Are you carrying the load?

A friend of mine came over for dinner recently. She lives some distance away so it was the first time we had seen each other since lockdown, and I was really looking forward to our catchup. We were having a good conversation, but soon after she sat down she apologised, her phone was buzzing, it was a message from her husband and did I mind if she took a moment to reply to him? Of course I didn’t – it turned out he was asking her to remind him which of the bins he should put out before she got back.

We continued our conversation, also enjoying a drink and after a while I got up to get us both another glass. When I returned my friend was on her phone again, this time explaining an aspect of the Covid-19 prevention measures at their daughter’s school so her husband could prepare her for the next day. My friend apologised profusely for the interruption, but it got me thinking. It seemed like she was carrying most of the mental load in her relationship.

There are hundreds of small tasks associated with running a household – from knowing which bin goes out when to planning meals and keeping track of what is in the freezer to paying the electricity bill on time. This constant background whirr of trying to keep track of an endless to-do list is often referred to as the ‘mental load’. It’s not necessarily about the action of doing housework or chores, rather about taking action and remembering to do them.

It often happens that one person in a household will be carrying more of this load, even if the chores are split equitably. If for example your partner does the food shop, but you find yourself planning meals, writing a list, keeping track of what’s in the freezer and making sure to notice if you run out of washing up liquid, then you’re also doing a lot of the work. Lots of people have written about and developed the idea of the mental load, in many cases women who find themselves managing the household while a male partner helps obligingly, but only when they are prompted to and given clear instructions.

However, the idea of the load can extend to any household or relationship – whether you are a couple, a group of friends in a flatshare or a parent trying to encourage children to do chores without always having to be reminded. A single-person household is the only situation in which the mental load doesn't come into the equation, as the only person you have to manage is yourself. Many people are perfectly happy taking on the majority of the mental load in their relationship or household, and do so by design. But the value lies in recognising that weight for what it is, and acknowledging that the organisational work of running a household is just as important as the physical work of carrying those tasks out.