During the past few months I’ve spent a lot of time on Zoom. Haven’t we all? From meetings to social calls to virtual events, most people have been spending a lot more time than before on video calls. I’ve also reconnected with some friends and family members who I had fallen out of touch with – some of whom I hadn’t seen for decades. There’s nothing like a global crisis for an excuse to get back in contact.
This has meant a lot of conversations, and it has made me consider how important good, meaningful conversations are. In centuries gone by people used to set a lot of store by the ‘art of conversation’ and it was even something taught to wealthy young people in order to help them progress in life! Even today, being a good conversationalist is still a prized attribute, and it helps you have better conversations and build better relationships.
American journalist and interviewer Celeste Headlee has written a book about that very subject: ‘We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter’ is based on a TEDx talk Headlee gave in 2015. In it she gives 10 suggestions for better conversations, including giving your interlocutor your full attention, trying not to ramble, and avoiding getting bogged down in too much detail – names and dates are not always needed to tell a good story.
She also advises never to compare your own experience to that of another person, which I would heartily agree with. Two people may have been through the same experience, but it will have had a different effect on each of them. It’s perfectly possible to connect over those shared experiences without having to compare them.
One tip I have picked up from my many Zoom sessions is to decide in advance whether I want to invite coronavirus to the call. Sometimes you need to talk about the current situation – it affects every part of our lives after all. But sometimes you need a break. I find it easiest to just agree with others on the call that we won’t talk about it at all, as in my experience once you start, it’s hard to stop. So far no one has had a problem with this, everyone else seems to be sick of talking about it too!
Another is to always have a ‘spare’ topic of conversation up my sleeve on big group calls with lots of people. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly silence can descend on a call of 15 people and how hard it is to break once it sets in. I can never think of anything to say on the spot, so I try and have an observation or question ready just in case – however trite, it gets the conversation going again. This is not something I do with individual calls, as I find that brief pauses or moments of silence can provide opportunities for the other person to raise a topic which is important to them.
Finally, on those group calls don’t be afraid of the 40 minute timer! Those of you who use Zoom will know that the free version will cut calls off after 40 minutes. This is a result of not paying for the app, but honestly I would pay extra for this feature. It brings a call to an end after the perfect length of time with no awkwardness, and I find that if calls are kept short and sweet its much easier to schedule them regularly – if you know a call will take two hours you may be less willing to make time for it. Or if you are calling someone you don’t know very well or haven’t spoken to in a long time, a 40 minute cut-off can make the conversation seem less daunting.