As you know, I sometimes share case studies of some of the people I work with, in their own words and always with their permission. It celebrates what each of those people has gone through, and also hopefully gives some hope to others reading the story that they might be able to do the same.
The story below is a little different, it arrived unbidden in my inbox a little while ago, and I think it’s a beautiful description. The author has given me permission to share it here, though Samantha is not her real name.
Before she came to me, Samantha wrote, she was an “eroded version of herself”, who desperately sought other people’s approval and adoration.
“I thought I needed it, I thought it would make me whole,” she wrote.
“I would take other people’s feelings and emotions and embroider them into my being. I thought their feelings were not only more important than mine but I sincerely felt that they actually were the fibres that made up my own thoughts and opinions. I craved their understanding, I needed their validation and love because without it I was a shell. I tried to make myself digestible, someone who would be easy to love.”
“I was shattered pieces of feelings and you helped me make them into a mosaic,” she wrote.
“I didn't know what to do with all of the things I felt so I threw them at people hoping someone would catch them and care for me. You helped me name the feelings and by doing so I no longer felt like I was a victim to my own emotions but instead that they were something I should cherish.”
Samantha began to “break apart” her desire to be understood and guided, and started to trust herself, saying that “trusting yourself is not something that weak people do”.
“I understood that people are flawed, that I am flawed but that does not make us any less worthy of love,” she said.
Samantha learned what she values in life, and used that knowledge as a “compass” to make decisions and be satisfied with them.
“It felt like I was trapped under rubble after an earthquake and you removed all the rocks so that I could emerge,” she said.
“I used to live my life in constant fight or flight mode, adrenaline constantly coursing through me and now I feel like my body can rest, that it's ok. My thoughts used to be unable to move without bumping into some piece of the past. I paid tribute to my past experiences and they no longer control who I am today.
“I finally feel like I can wrap myself in the tapestry of myself, I don't need other people's contributions. My values are sacred to me and where I used to ricochet between certainties and doubts, now I know every piece of myself and I know exactly what to do.”
Samantha described the “magnitude” of improvement she has felt since beginning the Resolving Chronic Pain process.
She concluded: “Thank you for the world you opened up inside of me, I like it here.”